Breaking Up and Breaking Free: A Survivor's Guide To Breaking An Engagement

Guest Blogger: Chaffron Corder

Hey, my Lemonaders! I know it's been a minute since I've posted on my blog, and this month is no exception. We're in full swing of the wedding season, and those living in that moment are surely ready to pass the baton on from engagement to marriage. But all engagements don't end in holy and happy matrimony. I've asked a good friend-sister-cousin of mine, Chaffron Corder (a.k.a. Mack the Maverick), to be a guest writer for this month's post. She knows a thing or two about the good, bad, and the ugly parts of an engagement that ultimately ends without the walk down the aisle. So, instead of spilling the tea, she'll spill all the lemonade on how to survive a breakup from an engagement. Grab your glass, raise your pinky high, and let's get into this wisdom that Chaffron has graciously shared from the point-of-view of a survivor.

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The idea of breaking and engagement is quite scary, but I'm here to tell you that should you be faced with such a prospect, you can and will survive. Sitting down to write this piece about my broken engagement, I found myself equally tickled and thankful. Why? Because I couldn't remember as much as I used to. Time really does heal wounds and fade scars. Let me tell you how I got there.

The year was 2010. I had been in a serious relationship with my then-fiancé for about three years. We met while working on a large project and hit it off pretty much instantly. He checked all the boxes for me - saved and active in the church, older, had an established vision, etc. Having met in a professional setting, we bonded over shared goals and values. Soon enough, we were joined at the hip.

We weathered a lot of hardships together. From lost homes to lost loved ones, to navigating a new city together. At some point, before we moved away, we declared ourselves engaged. It wasn't a particularly memorable moment, but what I can recall now is that it felt obligatory.

We started planning our wedding very casually. The date kept moving. We started and stopped pre-marital counseling twice because we just could not find the right fit. Meanwhile, things got increasingly tense between us. We found ourselves at an impasse about more differences. We had managed to survive the worst of struggles financially, professionally, and personally, but when circumstances got better, our relationship did not.

As a matter of fact, things getting better seemed to bring out the worst in us as people. Unresolved issues became more fights and bigger fights. I noticed that we never really spent quality time together anymore, and after a while, it didn't seem to matter. Sure, we still loved each other, and we liked each other as human beings, but we were no longer significant to each other beyond survival.

I don't remember exactly what led to the conversation about breaking the engagement, but I do remember it not being the huge blow-up I would have expected. As we sat at our kitchen table one evening, I asked my fiance`, "You don't really want to do this, do you?" He sighed and nodded his head affirmatively. It was a sad relief that would begin the rest of my life.

Signs You Should Reconsider Your Engagement

The hardest part about breaking an engagement is deciding to do it. There are many signs that it's probably for the best, but let's discuss a few here:

Abuse

This should go without saying, but I will say it anyway: you do not have to stay in an abusive relationship. Whether the abuse is physical, mental, emotional, constant infidelity, or any other form, you have the right to be free from it. No amount of shame, guilt, or embarrassment is worth living that way.

*If you are in a domestic violence situation, please contact the at National Domestic Violence Hotline (open 24/7/365).

Toll-free 800-799-7233

SMS: Text START to 88788

Incompatibility of values

I'm not talking about disagreeing about pineapples on pizza or which way a toilet roll will go. I'm talking about the fundamental spiritual and moral basis for how you live your life. For those of us who believe and live by the word of God, these values govern the decisions we make in every area of our lives, from lifestyle to finances to how we raise children.

Marriage is between two unique human beings, but there has to be a synergy concerning the important things. Amos 3:3 says, "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" You don't want to spend the rest of your life in contention about the very basis of your lives together.

You don't like your fiancé

Hear me out: have you ever been around a person that you just weren't crazy about? You don't enjoy their company. Their personality annoys you. You don't like talking to them or listening to them. They just can't seem to do anything right in your eyes. Or better yet, your annoyance has become resentment and patience has become tolerance. If this is your relationship, then why do you want to spend the rest of your life with them? This is a question that demands an answer. If you cannot answer it, give both of you the courtesy of letting go.

Your fiancé doesn't like YOU

On the flip side, if you sense these things in your partner, pay attention. I experienced a degree of this in my previous relationship, and it eroded my self-esteem. I got the impression from my ex-fiancé's behavior and words that he wanted me to be who he wanted me to be, not myself. And it made me feel like I would never be good enough. That was baggage I have had to continually work on for myself and for the health of my marriage today. It is possible to love someone you don't "like." Recognize this and cut your losses.

God said "No"

Going back to the idea that a breakup isn't always the result of a catastrophic action, sometimes it just isn't God's best. As you saw in my story, there were a few major mishaps and things that fell through prior to breaking my engagement. In concert with the other things I noticed, I feel like it was God's way of blocking the marriage for both of our protection.

It is so important to keep your prayer and study life active. We learn the voices of our parents from hearing them all the time, right? Likewise, we know the voice of the Lord from listening to it. God may reveal his will to us through prayer, the Word, dreams, or even other people. The more in tune we are to God's urging, the more apt we are to recognize when he is saying "No" - or "Yes" to something else.

Steps To Break Off Your Engagement

Prayer

Just as marriage is a very serious matter, breaking an engagement is as well. Seek the Lord's counsel before proceeding and focus on the good that eventually will follow the discomfort. (Philippians 4:8)

Preparation

To piggyback on asking the Lord for guidance and help, prepare yourself mentally and physically for the process. For example, if you were close enough to the aisle to have merged homes, make sure you have somewhere to go. Put a support system in place to help you get through the aftermath (more on this later).

Proceed with caution and respect

I assume that you have some level of love for the person you are letting go of, so handle them as such. No one wants to be "dumped," but if you're going to be on the receiving end, you want to be left with your dignity.

Unless it's absolutely impossible, sit down and do this face-to-face. Try to have the conversation in a place that allows them space and privacy to process their emotions. It's wise to have boundaries, but try not to be combative or argumentative. The idea is not to escalate an already sensitive situation. Basically, treat your soon-to-be ex with the same respect and care as you would want.

Note: Much of this is different if the other person is volatile. Your plan should look different if you don't feel you will be safe. Have the conversation in public, keep it brief, and engage social and/or legal support, if necessary.

What No One Tells You About Getting Un-Engaged

It doesn't have to be anyone's fault, per se

This is actually true of dissolving any relationship. We are conditioned to assume that anytime there is a breakup, it's because someone did something bad. It's even harder for people to fathom getting all the way to engagement and ending things without a major offense. This makes it more difficult for us to process breakups.

It's totally natural and a good thing to reflect on major events in order to move forward and do better. I just invite you to divorce yourself from the idea of complete blame because it doesn't always exist. In my case, neither party was perfect, but there were no egregious violations or betrayals. Sometimes two people are incompatible. Sometimes it just isn't the will of God. Both are completely acceptable and not to get stuck on.

The break might not be as clean as you'd like initially

The length and depth of the relationship as well as how close you were to the altar make a big difference in how complicated it is to make that break. From a practical standpoint, for example, logistics warrant that many couples begin merging finances or households shortly before marriage. Breaking an engagement means breaking these arrangements. If you bought a new home with your soon-to-be spouse, relocated, or made other preparations, it may not be as easy as saying "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya."

The social side may be even trickier. If you didn't meet in a shared social circle, you will more than likely have one by the time you say "I will." You've met grandmas and little cousins. But the worst part? You go to church together! LOL! Unless you plan on changing your identity and going into witness protection, you will periodically have social reminders that your ex existed.

Your emotions may be mixed

You'll obviously want out by the time you get to the serious decision that is ending your engagement, but saying the words doesn't make the feelings go away. Love doesn't have an on-off switch. If you truly love a person for any length of time, you probably won't stop loving or caring for them on a dime. There may be even moments where you ask "what if," or wonder what might have been.

Such a pivotal decision often carries a gamut of emotions, from relief to guilt to conflict to joy. These emotions are a natural part of letting go and grieving the loss of the life you thought you'd have. If there was a lengthy runway to this point, you may have begun to grieve the loss of your relationship already. If not, the grieving period may be longer. In any event, allow yourself the grace to experience all these things fully.

How To Move Forward

The process of breaking an engagement does not begin and end with the act. There will and should be personal work to be done afterward. You owe it to yourself (and your next partner) to do it.

Get a support system

Do not go through this process alone. Regardless of whether of which side of the breakup you are on, you will more than likely have feelings to cope with and logistics to manage. You need to surround yourself with people who can pray, listen, and advise.

A note about support

In addition to guilt, shame is another major emotion that a person may face with a broken engagement. Remember this if you are on the outside looking in. The last thing the parties directly involved need is the projection of these things from outside parties.

They don't need you trying to proactively talk them back into reconciliation. Keep the comments about how great the ex was, or the I-told-you-so's of the opposite to yourself. Excessive prying doesn't help. What you can do is ask how THEY are doing. Let them open up to you at their own pace. You can invite them to do something fun that doesn't involve their ex. Be the person that reminds them of where they are headed, not the person that keeps dragging them back where they've been.

Exercise wisdom with contact

In the age of social media, it may be hard to avoid interfacing with your ex. If there are physical or financial components, you may have to stay in communication until these things get worked out. It would be healthy to limit the quantity of your interaction and keep it about business for a while.

Not having as much physical separation made things pretty difficult for me. Because we had moved to this new city, I had no friends or family to run to. My ex was the only person I knew in town besides my coworkers. Thankfully, I had a full-time job, but it was a process of determining where one of us would go. There was second-guessing, attempts to get back together, etc. It was a rough time, and it prolonged the healing process.

Where appropriate you may even want to enlist the help of those trusted folk we talked about above. For example, when comes time to return personal items, you might retrieve them via a neutral party or take a friend with you. You should also try to keep interactions public to protect yourself from reopening old wounds - or closed doors. There may come a point when you can talk without much baggage, but that takes time and healing.

Take time for yourself

Again, you have to do the work. No matter how free you feel after breaking an engagement or other long-term relationship, you still will face a period of reinvention. You'll be discovering who you are and what life looks like without the person you've been attached to. There is also a new future to consider. You may even have things to repent for. Overall, this can be a joyful process but it requires introspection and personal investment.

Try new things that make you happy. Rediscover your personal goals. Make new friends. Go to counseling. Or just be still with your feelings. Whatever your journey is, give yourself grace and patience to grow through it. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and emerge anew. (Also, you may feel a bit "naked" without the other person right after a breakup. Now is the time to clothe yourself in the things of God, not necessarily another person.)

At the end of the day, a broken engagement is not the end of the world, nor does it make you a failure. Remember what I said about time and healing? I am a living witness that this, too, shall pass. I pray that anyone facing this challenge will get to a place of joyful forgetfulness and thankful remembrance, too. Count it all joy that this moment in your life is temporary and you will be stronger and better for it in the end (see James 1:1-4).

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Meet my first guest writer!!!

Chaffron Corder is the creator of Mack the Maverick, a multimedia universe exploring well-rounded womanhood in the 21st century. Chaffron enjoys writing for her blog and shooting YouTube videos, but her husband, Casper, and bonus daughter, Camaria, are her greatest loves in life.

You can find Chaffron at:

www.mackthemaverick.com

@mackthemaverick on Etsy

IG: instagram.com/mackthemaverick

YT: Mack the Maverick

FB: mackthemaverickblog